The Heart Feels The Things That The Eyes Can't See And That The Mind Can't Understand.
boys are very interesting
so it's like 4 in the morning and this guy keeps text messaging me and now im wide awake and have nothen to do so i figured id update this. i went to steve's house this morning cuz i didnt have a first class and he was off work...so we hung out for a little while, then i went to school and he went to the mall with danny martins (wow now he is one good looking guy, i was happy to hear that steve actually has friends besides nick and cody lol)...we were supposed to hang out tonight too after the eagle vs falcon game...but he was all into the game and got drunk and went home a passed out (lame haha) i went to safeway with my mom after school and saw ben night, he took a smoke break and we went outside and talked for like 5 min...i havent seen him in a while, i guess he joined the air force and leave on nov 1st, he said he wanted to hang out before he left...that could be interesting lol, i remember back in the day (sophomore year) when i liked him for like 2 weeks and we made out when i was real stoned and i thought he was literally trying to eat me and cried haha. anyway then i went out to dayton to tim and cookies and took her some pain pills for her toothache and me and tim came to carson and got some weed for my mom and nick...that was the first time ive ever really hung out with tim alone and he was telling me how he wants to find a young girl to fuck...and now he's sending me text messages trying to get me to get with him...im really weirded out tho...he's fucking hot, but he's 27 and i'm friends with his gf, or else maybe i would lol. uh after i got the weed me and nick went over to mckaylas house and chilled for a while she's pretty cool...even tho she's gay. frank is goen out of town today...so maybe steve wont be scared to come to my house haha. i guess were gunna go to the unr/unlv game on sat that should be fun. well i guess im out of shit to say...haha like no one reads this anymore anyway.
so i havent been on the internet like all summer...but i didnt really have time plus our old computer was way too slow for me to use...we finally got a new one thank god. umm it's been so long since i've written in here haha so many things have happened. umm i went to jail...twice actually the first time was in may and it was for having half a vicodin...which wasnt even mine...cuz pain killers make me sick...but whatever, so then they put me on house arrest...but i never stayed home...and when i was home there were always people over...so last month i went back to jail for violating the terms of my house arrest. Umm for most of the summer there was a guy named Brandon living with me and he was pretty hot...but we were just friends...but then he told everyone i was his gf and shit and it got old and he turned into an asshole so we kicked him out...and now i hate him. Uhh I saw allen a lot that was cool, he's hot and perfect and god why the fuck does he have to coach football at my hs...lame umm i might see him this weekend if i go to the unr game. i partied alot this summer met some cool people...like my bf steve, he's 23 tho which is kinda old...but he's hella hot and fun and sweet...i needed something fun and new. so ive been hanging out with him and his friends alot lately...his friends are weird tho and they both wanna get with me but they are hella ugly nick is cool tho...but cody is physco and gets mad at steve cuz i like him...but i'm his gf whatever cody is gross i would never get with him. school is hella gay...im so over the high school shit its not fun anymore. umm i need a job i think i might go look for one tomorrow. and i need to see if me and steve can get tickets to the unr game on fri i hella wanna go...i know allen could get tickets but im not ready for him to find out about steve haha but im hella tired and gunna go to sleep
friends, love, and hatred
I've been thinkin alot lately...about love and friendship and shit...and I've come to the conclusion that it's all usually fucked up in some way or another. I mean I used to consider Jennie to be my best friend...but there was that time when she fucked the guy I lost my virginity to...in my house while I was in the other room...and the time she made out with the guy I was going out with...right in front of me...we were all drunk but it was still fucked up...or the time she decided to hate me because of something some stupid guy told her...and I stuck by her through all of that...I forgave her...I let her back in....and now yet again she hates me for something else...and not only does she hate me but she talks shit about me, she tells people I'm doen coke...when she knows fucking well that i'm not....she even wants to fucking fight me because I won...I got the guy she has dreamed about since she met him in like 8th grade...but what she doesnt know is that I love him and he is always there for me when I need him...he would give up anything and everything for me...and as much as it scares me to have someone love me like he does I am finally starting to like it. But love cant be perfect...as much as I would like it to be...there is always going to be something in the way...he understands what I'm going through...he has even gone through it himself...he knows how to be there for me...but yet because of his job there are times when he cant be there no matter how much he wants to be. And then I've learned that as much as I loved someone else I have come to despise them...he is the one that should be there and he is the one that should be helping pay but it's not him and as much as I hope one day he will wake up and realize that it is as much his responsibility as it is mine I know that he is too immature to ever let that happen. He claims that I "took" his innocence...and that he wants it back...well he is the one that asked me to...it was his idea not mine...I asked him if he was sure he said yes...I still felt like shit after but he said it was what he wanted. Then he asked again and again and again and again and everytime he asked I gave in...because in my heart I loved him...to me everytime it was special...it meant something...but to him it was just sex...something he couldnt live without for more than like 3 days...he ruined it for me...he made me so insecure so afraid that I was doing something wrong...he used me for sex and I despise him...so fuck him he can say that I took his innocence...but at least I fucking cared about him....as soon as we broke up he went and fucked another girl...then we got back together....then we broke up and he fucked another girl for a week and we got back together...then we broke up...and we still did sexual stuff...then that day i gave him head...like HE asked me to do....then he started going out with another girl and they fucked and I know for a fact that there were some more girls in between that...and it wouldnt surprise me if he cheated on me...so even if i did fucking "take" his innocence he has no fucking room to say anything, he was the one that had to fuck every 3 days...he was the one that slept around...it was all his fucking choice...he's lucky I'm the only girls life that he has ruined so far...i did love him once...and there are still times when I miss him...well the old him back when we were happy...back before he fucked everything up...literally. And now his new gf wont have sex with him because she has good standards and wants to stay a virgin he is tellin people he misses sex...how pathetic. Okay well I guess i'm done
wow I havent updated this for a really long time...umm my life is ok right now...kinda stressful. i guess jennie and charlayna want to beat me up or something...but whatever...i am definetaly not scared of either of those two. i've been seeing this guy and he's really sweet! but we cant technically "be together" so it has to be like a secret...which is gay but i'm not gunna complain cuz he's nice and likes to buy me stuff haha. i'm almost a mananger at work...just a little more training and stuff...so by next week i'll be makin 7.50...woohoo im gunna be rich...okay maybe not. nothen else really exciting goen on...well I guess there is but it's not something I can share just yet...lol maybe in like a month!
So I'm stuck at home and it really sucks because I hate my stepdad...and I cant even go to work cuz they closed it...and I'm going to go insane. Umm last night I hung out with Shauna and Ashley...it was fun. Mon I have a doc app and then i get to decide what we are going to do for sure...but i guess it's what i am going to do cuz this happened between me and the biggest asshole on the face of the earth!
Dont really have much to say tonight...umm in case you dont know I have a myspace...y'all should look
...
http://profiles.myspace.com/users/1631247
chuck is right about one thing...i could make everyone hate him...just by telling the truth...lol cuz he has lied to everyone. today i realized that even though I care about him still...somewhere deep DEEP down I cant stand him. he cares about no one but himself and that is the most disgusting quality a person can have.
So today has been pretty depressing, I've been thinking alot. I read Chuck journal just now and I feel really shitty...I mean I feel so bad for putting him through this...but what can I do? I feel like it's all my fault...like I'm the one that made this happen, everyone is telling me that it is his fault too...but if it is...then why do I have to deal with it all alone? why is my family the only one going through all of this? why do I have to change my entire life and he can just forget about it...if it was his fault as well as mine then how come I get all the consequences? I cant do this anymore by myself, I'm terrified...what if I'm not cut out for it...what if something goes wrong...what if no one ever loves me again because of this. Why me? why cant he just talk to me about it? to me its like for months he just puts it out of his head and goes on with his life...i wish I could forget about it for one min...just ONE FUCKING MINUTE is that too much to ask...evertime i look in the mirror i'm reminded of just how soon this is coming on...i'm not ready...what happens when I have to quit my job? who will I turn to? my mom doesnt have a job anymore and my stepdad wont even look at me let alone pay for anything. I'm so scared, I just need someone to talk to...why cant he understand that...why did he just walk away?
happy new years everyone!
happy new year everyone!! woo! hopefully this year will be way better than last year...cuz last year was shitty! I had lots of fun tonight and I hope everyone else did to! My new years resolution...well one of them is to not hate anyone...so well see how long that lasts...possibly only till monday. I got a really good present for new years!
aww and I'm so excited so I'm gunna go. Have a good and safe night.
so im kinda depressed cuz I'm still sick and I had to work all day and allen's dad came in and it was really weird. and I really wanted to go up to reno tonight...but it's snowing and i'm afraid to drive all the way up there in my car alone...in the snow at least. so i probably wont go, um we hired a new guy at work his name is chris i havent met him yet tho, but we needed another person to work during the day. so I decided what to get allen for christmas! woohoo...lol now i just need someone over 21 to go shopping with me lol. i got chuck something too but i doubt he'll take it so i dont know what to do with that. lol it's sorta late to be thinkin about christmas presents...buy hey its the thought that counts right? I guess im gunna go take a shower so i dont smell like subway in case i decide to risk it and drive up there anyway
So I'm REALLY sick now...and I have to go to work in like 15 min...I probably shouldnt go, but oh well. I'm really pissed to cuz Jennie found out about me and Allen and she likes him still so she is starting all this shit. Like last night she told him I was cheating on him with Eric, and he was drunk and got all mad at me it was really sad. But for one you cant cheat on someone unless you are dating...and I didnt even do anything except hang out with Eric...but me and Allen talked and it's better now. Oh yea and Jennie tells me that I didnt go up there Christmas night...but I dont know what good her telling me that does for her since I obviously know where the fuck I was...and yes it was at his apartment so Jennie can shove it all up her fat ass and go have anal sex with her gay lover Ryan...god I fucking HATE THAT BITCH...lol ok I'm done.
So I'm getting sick again...and it really sucks. I hate being sick...and I hardly ever get sick...but it seems like lately I've been getting sick more and more
it isnt any fun. Today I spent time with my family...lol not all that exciting if you ask me. I really wanted to go and see allen tonight...but I'm sick and he isnt home now and I dont know...I guess I just wont go. This is a new feeling...I miss him...weird, the only other guy that i've missed is Chuck, and now I dont even miss him....actually I pretty much despise him. I mean every now and then I get really sad and shit, but it's getting better. Umm my grandma is finally leaving tomorrow, and my uncle is leaving pretty soon after that so thats good...I hate having people staying with us. So I have to close tomorrow...cuz maria switched me for fri...which is good cuz I have new years eve off! woo lol I dont have any plans tho
I am closing with Eric tho so it will be entertaining at least.
So I just went and saw Eric at subway...he asked me to come. And while I was driving over there I decided that liking him isnt worth causing all this shit at work...so I told him that. And we decided to just be friends...It went really well...and I feel alot better now
and I guess he really doesnt like maria either so that makes me feel better too haha.
I had such a good night last night
I havent been this happy in a really long time. I went up to reno to see Allen's new apartment, and I ended up staying and he was so sweet! lol we just like layed in his room and talking...and I realize that I do miss him. Because he always makes me feel safe...and when I'm around him, he treats me like I am the only thing that matters. There is definetaly something there...and I think I just might give it another shot. I mean I did used to love him...and once you love someone I'm pretty sure that the feeling just doesnt go away. But there always is that little problem that I still like Eric...quite a bit actually...and lately he is being rather friendly...I mean we hardly ever work together but somehow it alwasys seems like if we dont we end up seeing eachother practically everyday. I hung out with him for a while today....we went for a drive in his truck. It was fun. He asked me to go and see him tomorrow after he gets off work...so I'll go and do that. My mom wants me to choose Allen...haha but only cuz he's rich I bet...but he could take care of me...and Eric cant...so I dont know what to do lol
Merry Christmas! We had a christmas party last night it was fun sorta. I'm kinda sick of the whole family thing. Umm I got some cool stuff for christmas I guess...lol uhh a digital camera...money....scrapbooking stuff...and some other things I can use. I'm really bored tho. I called and wished everyone merry christmas today...haha and chuck calls me back and fucking hangs up...it really pissed me off...but i doubt he meant to call me but whatever. Umm my mom got some weed and I owe eric some so I might go see him tonight lol or I could go to allens like I am supposed to....hmm
